Chuckles Three

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn! Many languages are highly phonetic: the spelling of a word pretty well tells you how to pronounce it. Not English! We have homonyms, homophones, heteronyms, etc. and no set rules for handling them. Here are some of the worst of the heteronyms

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

---(from Bob Woodruff)

Return to Guide [Top]

******************************************

2. More MT: More Confusion!

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Mouse, mice; so house, hice??

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If the teachers taught, why didn't the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

---from Daree & Gerald Winstead

Return to Guide [Top]

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

3. Pronunciation's Even Tougher!

While many non-native speakers of English speak English quite well, there is always room for improvement (of course, the same could be said for every person for any subject, but that is another matter.) To that end, I'd like to offer you a poem. Once you've learned to pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris purportedly found English to be an easy language until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!

Return to Guide [Top]

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

In the Workplace

4. Civil Service ?

A government employee was cleaning out a filing cabinet when he came across an old brass lamp. While he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now!"

Poof, a beer appeared. Now that he was thinking more clearly, the man said, "I wish to be on an

island, surrounded by beautiful nymphomaniacs."

Poof, he was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. "Oh, man, this is really the life," the guy sighed, "I wish I would never have to work again."

And, poof, he was back in his government office.

Return to Guide [Top]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ;<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Philosophical Pleasantries

5. Great Imponderables!

1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"

2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

15. Why is there always one in every crowd?

16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse.Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Return to Guide [Top]

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

6. Words of Wisdom:

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Return to Guide [Top]

#############################################

Redneck Risibility

7. Etiquette Tips for Rednecks, from a Well-Known Authority

Personal Hygiene

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

• Proper use of toiletries can indeed forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining At Home

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Dating [Outside the Family]

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

• Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

• Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

• Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for All Occasions

• Never take a beer to a job interview.

• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

• If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Return to Guide [Top]

,./,./,./,./,. 8. New and different signs that...

You Might be a Redneck if...

Your shoelaces used to be bailing wire.

The curtains in your living room are camouflage.

You've ever been paid in tomatoes.

Your baby's first words were "Rack 'em."

Your tablecloth was delivered by the paper boy.

You've ever purchased underwear and worn it out of the store.

Your biggest tax deduction was bail money.

Your favorite recipe begins with "Go possum hunting."

The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.

Your trash collector isn't sure about what stays and what goes.

You missed sex education class because your baby was sick.

The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone.

You have a family portrait by a courtroom artist.

Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.

The only time you moved was under a witness protection program.

The local tattoo parlor runs specials on your sister's name.

The FBI has more pictures of your family than you do.

The only blood test you ever had was at a police station.

Your wife bought Caller ID so she'd know which bar you're in.

Any of your children were conceived at a traffic signal.

Your home security system is a "Bad Dog" sign.

You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.

Your honeymoon began in a Motel 6 and ended in a holding cell.

You've ever asked for layaway at a yard sale.

Kissing your cousin goodbye is a five-minute job.

You've never bought a car you could drive home.

Your sister wrote off her boob job as a "business expense".

Your wife's work number begins with 1-900.

Sex education at your school included advice on avoiding the steering wheel.

A judge sentences you to "the usual".

The last thing your wife said to you was, "It's me or them dogs."

You've ever mooned a jury.

You get the wholesale price on pregnancy test kits.

All the major fast food chains are represented on the floor of your car.

You think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.

Your resume includes your high scores on video games.

All your home electronics have the serial numbers filed off.

You've sold a car to settle a bar tab.

Picking out a burial plot involved wandering around your yard.

Your grandmother has been busted more than once in a bingo raid.

The most romantic moment in your life was captured on a security camera.

You can forecast the weather by looking at "woolly worms".

When the judge asked how you plead, you said, "Whatever".

You own a pink flamingo with buck shot holes in it.

Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

Your favorite recipe includes Vienna Sausages.

Anyone in your family has taken a UFO ride lately.

Your family business requires a lookout.

Any of your wedding gifts came from an Army-Navy store.

The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the

wet T-shirt contest.

You understood what Jodi Foster said in the movie "Nell".

You have more tattoos than teeth.

You stare at a can of frozen juice because it says "concentrate".

You can take your bra off while driving.

The only private club you've ever belonged to is Sam's Wholesale Club.

You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.

Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.

You didn't know you were cross-eyed until you joined the Army.

The farthest anyone traveled to your family reunion was 2 miles.

You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared

in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.

You have a Jack Daniel's poster in your living room.

The biggest town you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

You list "beginner's luck" as a skill on a job application.

Your horse can count higher than you.

You can't remember what name you used on your marriage license.

You think fax is the opposite of fiction.

The school principal has your number on speed dial.

Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's

accident.

You use your wife's old bra to carry your bowling ball.

You begin most sentences with "You ain't gonna believe this.

Return to Guide [Top]

***********************************************************

Our Digital World

9. Aphorisms for the 00's

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Return to Guide [Top]

########################################################

10. Redneck Tech Vocabulary

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off'n the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the

rifle or the new boat when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Return to Guide [Top]

*********************************************************************

Vacation Time

11. By the Beautiful Sea...

An ambitious Wall Street yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life?until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the sand one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up through the surf to the beach.

In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the next island," she says. "I landed there about 2 years ago when my cruise ship sank

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the yuppie. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After about 45 minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite log bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the yuppie can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the yuppie goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor with a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-- strategically positioned--and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've both been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean--- ?", he swallows excitedly, "--- I can check my e-mail from here...?"

Return to Guide [Top]

***************************************************

Rural Ramblings

12. Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch:

The Cowboy's Guide To Life

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth's a jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta' that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

And, never, ever, miss a good chance to shut up.

---from Daree & Gerald

Return to Guide [Top]

*************************************************

One’s Day in Court

13. You Knew Who?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to lots of people. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes indeed, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to his folks. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Sure, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Return to Guide [Top]

<----<----<----<----<----<----<----< ;----<----<

Happy Holidaze

14. Politically Correct Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur-trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in overdue compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football--someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere--even you.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his work

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Return to Guide [Top]

d f g h j k d f g h j k d f g h j k 15. Southern Fried Creche: a Redneck Nativity Scene

Fellow was driving across south Georgia, on his way home for Christmas and having to pass through several small towns. In one of them, downtown on the square, was a "Nativity Scene" that demonstrated great skill and talent had gone into creating it. The figures and costumes were well done; the lighting quite effective. One little feature seemed peculiar, however. The three wise men were all wearing firemen's helmets.

Puzzled by this, the driver stopped at a convenience store, bought a cup of coffee and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You *&^%$#@ liberal Yankees never do read the Bible!"

He assured her that he did so, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, finally jabbing her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in his face, she said, "See! It says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Return to Guide [Top]

&nb sp; &nbs p; ; d f g h j k d f g h j k d f g h j kd f g h j k d f

16. Twas The Night Before Y2K..

'Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation

We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced In computers with care,

In hopes that ol'Bugsy Would stop in elsewhere.

While some folks could think They were snug in their beds

Others had visions Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac

Had just logged on theNet And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server, There arose such a clatter

I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter.

But he was away, so I flew like a flash

off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes Should I see?

My good old Mac Looked real sick to me.

The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,

I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded In no time at all,

He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Now Big Blue!

Everything Compaq, And the Pentiums too!

All processors big, All processors small,

Crash away! Crash away! crash away all!

All the controls That planes need for their flights

All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath And was turning around,

Out through the modem, He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur, And slung on his back

Was a sackful of virus, All set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry!

As midnight approached, though, He certainly looked scary!

He had a broad little face And a round little belly,

And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,

And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know,A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work,

He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,

All things electronic Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line,

He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty shout,

Happy Y2K to all, On this millennial night!!

Return to Guide [Top]

d f g h j k d f g h j k d f g h j kd f g h j k d f

PARANOMASIA 2000: And Finally, the Awful, Truly Execrable Puns of the Year (So Far….!!):

17. Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first

one.

"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of

worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they couldn't eat any

more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the

first one.

"Me either. Let's just stay down here and bask in the warm sun," said the

second.

"O.K." said the first.They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and

gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he

thought....

"I just love baskin' robins."

---from Bob Woodruff

Return to Guide [Top]

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM 18. Witch One?

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation, he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later, excited and grateful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The head witch told him:

"Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried says it best."

---from Stan Harris

Return to Guide [Top]

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

19. Ars Longa, Vita Breva, or Artiste pour Les Beaux Art's Sake…..

Recently, a young man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre; however, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious, stupid error, he replied:

--(brace yourself)

--(this is going to hurt)

--(really bad)

--(ready?)

(You’ve been warned!)

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Return to Guide [Top]

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

20. Too Good to Leave Out: the 1999 Darwin Awards!

As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by expiring in spectacularly stupid ways.

DARWIN AWARD - POTENTIAL 1999 AWARD CANDIDATES:

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

In February, Santiago Alvarado,24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS

In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head, and one was Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

AND THE WINNER [Tah-Dahhhh!]

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs,and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

---thanx to former student Brian Moody

Return to Guide [Top]

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\

This conglomeration was last edited on 02 February2000.