Three New 'Uns for 1999 [Happy New Year-- -If You Already Heard These, Too Bad!]

 THE HELL YOU SAY?

 NEW LAWS OF NATURE

 WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS

PARANOMASIA I

ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON………

THE 1997 DARWIN AWARDS

UNIVERSAL, ALL-PURPOSE FLAME FORM:

MUSICAL OFFERINGS

MISCELLANY

COMPUTERS

DOWN ON THE FARM, OR, IS THERE A REMEDY FOR BUCOLIC?

HOLIDAY TIPS FROM A FAMOUS HOMEMAKING ADVISOR

MORE FESTIVE FRIPPERY FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

NEW SCIENCE II

FOR SOUTHERNERS, especially of the transplanted variety

A professor gave a take-home exam to a thermodynamics/statistical mechanics class. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Several students wrote proofs based on their beliefs or opinions using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some non-zero mass. If so, then a mole of souls must also have some mass. So the question becomes: at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

Consider now the possible number of souls entering hell. If we look at the different religions that exist in the world today we see that some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that in general, all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume of hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to the volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, if [by some unexplained process] hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate of increase of the number of souls in hell, we then may extrapolate that the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

Q. E. D.

[N. B.-The grade received by this student is protected by the Privacy Act and thus is not available.]

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 NEW LAWS OF NATURE

CONTEST FOR NEW LAWS OF NATURE : PHYSICS, ETC.

HONORABLE MENTION:

RUNNERS-UP:

#6. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. Thus when a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate westward, causing a midwesterner to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

#5. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way. #1. Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

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#4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

#3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

#2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

#1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fires an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works.... in Braille.

**GRAND PRIZE WINNER** It is well-known that when a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. Proposal: We strap buttered toast, buttered-side up, to the back of a cat, and drop the composite system. The system will hover, spinning inches above the ground. Application: With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily be built of these low-cost natural materials, linking New York with Chicago.

(Thanks to Lee Couch for sending this)

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1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4. Let others know when they've invaded your territory

5. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

6. Take naps and s t r e t c h before rising.

7. Run, romp, and play daily.

8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

9. Be loyal.

10. Never pretend to be something you're not.

11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

12. When someone is having a bad day be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle that someone gently.

13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

15. On hot days, drink lots of water and relax under a shady tree.

16. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

17. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

18. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

(Thanks to my cousins, Daree &;Gerald Winstead, for this one)

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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"The records of a previously obscure 1970 case in Iowa involving 1,500 pounds of illegally netted fish (and the confiscated Mercury station wagon in which the fish were found) have suddenly gained prominence. The records were turned up by two University of Iowa faculty members in the Deptartment of History. Both are specialists in the rapidly emerging area of ecological history.

The case is important, according to the pair, because it is the earliest record so far encountered of finding illegal levels of fish in a Mercury."

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Triple-pun of the year:

A Dutchman, Pieter Van Gelberkaas, was so skilled at growing flowers that he was appointed head gardener for a large complex of church buildings. Two government officials called to see him at his home one morning in April after he had left for work to supervise the Spring planting of the flower beds. "He's not here", said the maid who answered the door. "Mynheer is re-seeding at the temples."

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An anthropologist returned from spending a year studying the Natives on one of the South Sea islands. His friends asked him if he had anything unusual to report. The man replied that this particular tribe had invented palm leaf suppositories for use when they were constipated.

"How good are they?", he was asked.

"Well," he replied, "with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium", had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Preliminary investigation indicates that the number of morons seems to increase after each reorganization, in accordance with the well-known Laws and Principles of Murphy and Peter.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure. For some it is addictive. There is no known cure but the toxic effects can be kept in remission through total abstinence from such activities as writing memos, chairing meetings, designing organization charts, pontificating to colleagues, etc

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[The Darwin Awards are made annually. They posthumously recognize those individuals who, for whatever reason(s), have benefitted the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool]

NOMINEE #1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

: >

NOMINEE #2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

: >

NOMINEE #3: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freakaccidents. No foul play is suspected."

: >

:NOMINEE #4: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to thesound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &;Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

: >

:NOMINEE #5: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating thesafety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

: >

NOMINEE #6: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "... a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE #7: [San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.

NOMINEE #8: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. [The 19 year old man] died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home [while] cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE #9: [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland] A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate a his quarry, police said TThursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAPnews agency quoted a police official as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said.

NOMINEE #10: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him [lying] in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE #11: [Unknown] The poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE #12: [Fort Worth Star-Telegram] Three men attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables not being used.

Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues" (i.e., still in the gene pool): [ note: edited these to keep them brief.]

[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday that an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club Mountain Men Anonymous. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it, "Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.'"

[Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, the pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, the passenger noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fusebox next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing a bridge, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck the driver in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. The driver suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. The passenger sustained a broken clavicle. After being released he stated, "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead."

And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s): ... drum roll...

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch, which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly branch protruding from his rear, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

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[Ever feel the need to retaliate when another start-up company tries to sell you stuff via email, or a well-meaning acquaintance spams you with yet another warning of a fictitious virus? You haven't the time to waste in composing a suitable reply?, Here's the answer!]

[ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus

[ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade

[ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ]

[ ]Obergruppenfuehrer

[ ] citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] grad student [ ] cur

[ ] Republican [ ] Democrat [ ] Liberal [ ]Conservative

[ ] Communist [ ] Dilbert [ ] Dogbert [ ] Ratbert

You are being gently flamed because.

[ ] you sent a please remove me from the list message to the list rather than the list-sever

[ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread

[ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to

[ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads

[ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities

[ ] you advocated Net censorship

[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)

[ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group

[ ] you posted a message that should have been sent via private email

[ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article

[ ] you posted the inanely stupid '$250 Cookie Recipe' article

[ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic-weight loss article

[ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article

[ ] you posted an inanely stupid'Fix Your Credit' article

[ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning.

[ ] you are making users pay for your advertising, thus misusing the Internet

[ ] you threatened others with physical harm

[ ] you made a bigoted statement(s)

[ ] you repeatedly assume unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority

[ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your private ego preserve

[ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor

[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread

[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack

[ ] you responded to an obvious troll

[ ] you posted an obvious troll

[ ] you have a sig that is more than 4 lines long

[ ] you have a sig containing information that can easily be found elsewhere on the net

[ ] you have a sig with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics

[ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet

[ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject

[ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ

[ ] you redundantly covered the same point over and over

[ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon

[ ] your message contained non-ASCII garbage

[ ] you crossposted excessively

[ ] you, in any way, make, shape, or form, agreed with Senator Exon

[ ] you posted the Good Times virus spread by e-mail message

[ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after 60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote your post.

[ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a little boy with cancer who is trying to break the Guiness book record.

[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post.

[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your addition was "I agree" or "Me too."

[ ] Over 90% of your post was a signature or otherwise useless information

[ ] Barged into a quiet little news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever and started stinking up the place just because you read an article about the news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some magazine.

[ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff.

[ ] Repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris, Jamie, or Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?" questions.

[ ] you, in any way, make shape, or form, used the term(s)

[ ] "infobahn" [ ] "Neutopia" [ ] "synergy" [ ] "warez"

[ ] "SUX" [ ] "wymyn" [ ] "ROOLZ"

[ ] KEWL/KOOL/K0oL [ ] "information superhighway"

[ ] Other annoying term:

[ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup;

[ ] hollow earth theory [ ] alien President theory

[ ] orbital mind control frisbees [ ] faith healing

[ ] government weather control [ ] Russian psychics

[ ] Squeaky Fromme [ ] the nation of France

[ ] robot spy bees [ ] sexually promiscuous space aliens

[ ] "Manos, the Hands of Fate" [ ] Other:

[ ] You considered the following to be reliable reference sources;

[ ] Golden Books' "Exploring Science", printed 1955

[ ] Any program covered by Talk Soup [ ] SNL News

[ ] Oliver Stone [ ] Hard Copy

[ ] Inside Edition [ ] The National Enquirer

[ ] The Sun [ ] NY Post

[ ] The Union Leader [ ] Pravda [ ] OMNI Magazine

[ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft [ ] The Simpsons

[ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication

[ ] Other:

[ ] do not delete the "welcome to the list" message you recieved when you joined

[ ] allow boring and useless threads to die

[ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded

[ ] learn to use your editor and the "delete" key

[ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net

[ ] remember that the Internet is multinational

[ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you

[ ] exercise some humility

[ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to

[ ] 'lurk' without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group

[ ] not take personal discussions or stupid/boring threads to email

[ ] get used to being mocked

[ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmeceutical experiments

[ ] rejoin your people on your planet of origin

[ ] remove the pipe from your nether regions

[ ] buy a nice firey lakefront plot in the Hell you so richly deserve

[ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post

[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group

[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) about net etiquette

[ ] learn to use the 'kill' command to eliminate erroneous posts

[ ] post only to alt.dev.null

[ ] selectively respond to threads only after reading ALL new messages in that thread

[ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post

[ ] shop for clues at a better clue shop

[ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup

[ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup

[ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool

[ ] look into the possi

[ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet

[ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:

[ ] patience [ ] tolerance [ ] caution

[ ] common courtesy [ ] succinctness

[ ] vocabulary [ ] higher brain functions

[ ] Other:

[ ] a useful member of Internet society

[ ] a less annoying member of Internet society

[ ] a human being

[ ] a fully-functional human being

[ ] a tolerable poster

[ ] integrated into humanity

[ ] re-integrated into the wild

[ ] Other:

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 MUSICAL OFFERINGS

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography notwithstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

The City Symphony was giving its final outdoor concert of the Summer Season on a sweltering August afternoon and had begun the climactic last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The double basses in the orchestra, placed as usual in the back row, had a very long rest and decided to sneak out for a bit of refreshment before their final entry. A slight breeze had sprung up so they tied their music to the stands with some string to keep it in order, then eased out across the street from the park to the tavern for a quick one.

The establishment's potables were very good indeed---so refreshing, in fact, that the players imbibed a quick two or three and almost didn't make it back in time. But they did, straggled into their places, and began clumsily fumbling to untie the strings that had kept their music from blowing away.

The local music critic in the audience, seeing their condition and predicament, noted in his subsequent review of the concert that …"it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded…."

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&&&&&&&&&&&&&am p;am p;am p;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& amp; amp; amp;&&&&&&&&&&&

Three good ol' boys (GOB's) from north Georgia got jobs at the 1996 Olympic Games construction site. They wanted to get in to see the Games but were 'way shy of having the price of admission. After discussing strategy, GOB #1 strips down to his skivvies, grabs a 7-ft. piece of electrical conduit, and jogs up to the athletes' gate. "Johnson, javelin", he tells the gatekeeper. "Go ahead in", he's told.

GOB #2 scrounges a 20-ft section of 2-inch PVC pipe, strips down to his shorts , trots up to the gate and announces, "Williams, pole-vault." "Go ahead", says the gatekeeper.

GOB #3 thinks awhile, then shoulders a roll of barbed wire, walks up to the gate and says, "Bubba, fencing".

Artificial intelligence is the source of far fewer problems than is natural stupidity.

 LJKLLJKL

News Item: England may be giving up Gibraltar after more than two centuries. The Republic of France proposes to purchase the Rock and turn it into a permanent memorial to one of its most distinguished soldier-statesmen of modern times. If the deal goes through, the proposed new name is De Gaulle Stone.

 MMMMMM

Late News bulletin:

A sneak thief stole all the lavatory fixtures from the local police station. A police spokesman later reported that they have absolutely nothing to go on.

More Little-Known Internet Facts

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have beenchanged differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts aboutchanging light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changinglight bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts**are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb

controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what the mail list was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

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A professor of English who had become very gender-conscious, asked a large class to consider the gender by which one might properly refer to computers.

The class selected two groups of computer experts who werer asked to r bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this meport their findings to the class.

The first group, composed of women, reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The second group, all men, recommended that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with others of the same type is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Those of us who may at times feel daunted by our inability to cope with the intricacies of modern microelectronics [i. e. desktop computers] may take comfort in the thought that there's usually somebody out there who's worse off than we are............Consider the following vignettes, allegedly excerpted from the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter or Return" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST Technical Support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag it was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system could not read the word-processing files from his old 5 1/2" floppies. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had stuck blank labels on the disks and then rolled them in his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send in a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and then was heard putting the phone down and slamming the room door.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" button.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so it was suggested he go to Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends" the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to go out &;find a couple of geeks".

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. It was ultimately determined that he had cleaned it by filling a tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day. He then removed it and washed each key individually.

9. A Dell Technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech had to explain that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses should not be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.

Her response was, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pushed the power switch, she replied "What power switch?".

12. From a Novell NetWare System Operator:

Caller: Hello is this Tech Support?

Tech: Yes it is, how may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say cupholder?

Caller: Yes. It's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech : Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, but it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional and I haven't been to a trade show. It just says "4X" on it.

At this point the tech had to mute the caller because he couldn't control his laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer for the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped off !!!

RECORDED TELEPHONE DIALOG OF A [FIRED] EMPLOYEE IN THE CUSTOMER SUPPORT Department of a VERY LARGE COMPANY:

"This is CeeJay in Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my Word Processor."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in the Processor program, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind…..Ahh….can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"Curser??….I never type profanity in any of my work."

"Ignore the question. Can you see anything at all on the screen?"

"I told you before, there's nothing at all on the screen, it's completely dark."

"Oh. Ummm. Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"......Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

......."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"Uhhh….I can't quite reach it."

"Oh….Well, can you see it well enough to tell if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle---it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power…….. A power outage? ……Aha! ……Okayyy…. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well ... yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose I can do that. What do I tell them at the store?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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A middle-aged farmer was ushered into an attorney's office.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Simpkins?", asked the lawyer.

"I want me one-a them dee-vorces." was the answer.

"Well, do you have any grounds?"

"The main farm's 450 acres. Got another 200 a few miles down the road."

"No, what I'm asking is, do you have a case?"

"Nope, Case quit making tractors 'bout 20 year ago. Got two John Deeres."

"I'm still looking for information. Do you have a grudge or something like that?"

"Got a big grudge. We park our car, the pick-up truck, and both John Deeres in it."

"No, no. Let me try again. Does your wife beat you up or anything like that?"

"Naw. We both get up around 5:30 every morning."

"Mmm. Let me try once more: just why do you want a divorce from your wife?"

"I cain't seem to have a meaningful conversation with her."

A farmer had a long-running disagreement with the local car dealer who never offered (in the farmer's view) very good deals. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow ……………………………$499.95

Shipping and handling …………………35.75

Extra stomach …………………………79.25

Brown/White Two tone exterior ……..142.10

Produce storage compartment ……….126.50

Heavy duty straw chopper …………..189.60

Four spigot/high output drain system 149.20

Automatic fly swatter ……………….88.50

Genuine cowhide upholstery ………179.90

Deluxe dual horns ………………….59.25

Automatic fertilizer attachment …….339.40

4 x 4 traction drive assembly…….. .884.16

Pre-delivery wash and comb ……….69.80

SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:… $2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: ……300.00

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December 1-.Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upsidedown and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion decorative cat-o-nine-tails.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows '95 for my readers

December 8- Inspect outdoor Poinsettia display. Have Gardener rearrange daily.

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Use item from December 3 to flog Gardener.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of tinseled razor wire.

December 18 - Finish embroidering 427 cheerful holiday bed-pan covers for local hospitals

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31- New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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As the holidays are upon us once again, many of us are trying to watch our food intake. Here's a guide to many well-cliched calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they allegedly may consume, to ease your burden of guilt-by-gluttony.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75

Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100

Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150

Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50

Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Throwing your weight around

(depending on your weight). . . .50-300

Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100

Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250

Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500

Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50

Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300

Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75

Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200

Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25

Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350

Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225

Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25

Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750

Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75

Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160

Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50

Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300

Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90

Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25

Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6

Calling it quits…………………2

Dropping the ball......................72

Skirting the issue......................95

Splitting infinitives....................127

Testing the waters.....................23

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

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d f g h j k d f g h j k d f g h j kd f g h j k d f

1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

11. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

12. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

13. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

14. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

15. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

16. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

17. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

18. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

19. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

20. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

21. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

22. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

23. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

24. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

25. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

26. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

27. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

28. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

29. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

30. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

31. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

32. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

33. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more convulsions.

34. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

35. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

36. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

37. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

38. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

39. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

40. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

41. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

42. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

43. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

44. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

45. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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You might be a yankee if….

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don't know what a moon pie is.

6) You've never had grain alcohol.

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don't have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to emcee his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You've never planned your vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

20) You think more money should go to the Director of Libraries at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere in the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats or caps that advertise feedstores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out of the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what applique is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob, or Bob Paczynski)

31) You don't have doilies, &;you d**sure don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

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A New Orleans lawyer we know sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then

reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our #$%@^&*+> loan?"

[THEY GOT IT.]

[Contributed by Lee Couch]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2. Nuts to You [Or maybe: Nuts, to You]?

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?' they asked as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in anopen foyer."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes to his dentist because he is having real problems with his dentures. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is corroding like crazy. What in the world have you been eating?"

The patient replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife cooked some fresh asparagus and put some stuff on it that was absolutely delicious...Hollandaise sauce, I believe she said it was. I loved it so much I now put it on everything--meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Aha,"says the dentist, "I understand your problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate that’ll take care of everything---come back in a week."

A week later the patient returns , the dentist fits the plate and the patient asks "What’s different with this plate?"

"It’s made of chromium."

"Chromium?? Why?", asks the patient. to which the dentist replies,

"Simple, really. There’s just no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[Courtesy(?) of Jack Sabin]

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Last updated [if you can call it that, with well-aged yarns like these probably are!] on 11 January 1999.