Don's House of Love
Serving your needs for lower forms of comedy since about 2002...
January 17, 2006
"Future Jack Bauers Take Heed."
Brian: "Why does everyone close to this man die? Bitch... if that shit... Motherfucker, don't you ever call me again!"
Brian: "Why does everyone close to this man die? Bitch... if that shit... Motherfucker, don't you ever call me again!"
"Vacuum Lips."
Don: "Eric, can we go?"
Eric: (sigh) "Just pick up the big shit off the floor."
Don: "Peter! Get the big shit! Let's go, hoover!"
Ariel: "Hey, you said you only called me hoover!"
Don: "That was for a different reason."
Peter: "Is this a Puerto Rican joke?"
Don: "No, actually, this is a blowjob joke."
Don: "Eric, can we go?"
Eric: (sigh) "Just pick up the big shit off the floor."
Don: "Peter! Get the big shit! Let's go, hoover!"
Ariel: "Hey, you said you only called me hoover!"
Don: "That was for a different reason."
Peter: "Is this a Puerto Rican joke?"
Don: "No, actually, this is a blowjob joke."
"The Science of Boobies."
Jake: "So, uh. What was it about this movie of yours? Were you crashing weddings?"
Don: "No no. There's a line, because Owen Wilson plays with this chick's boobs. And Vince Vaughn asks him "Were they nice? Were they built for speed or built for comfort?" And I can't figure out what "built for speed" is referring to."
Jake: "Small so they bounce more, as opposed to large and pillow-like?"
Don: "But wouldn't big boobs bounce a lot, too?"
Jake: "Well, yeah, but it's mass times velocity, so the increased mass would decrease the bounce velocity."
Don: "...That was the best boob explaination I've ever heard."
Jake: "I am an amazing human being."
Jake: "So, uh. What was it about this movie of yours? Were you crashing weddings?"
Don: "No no. There's a line, because Owen Wilson plays with this chick's boobs. And Vince Vaughn asks him "Were they nice? Were they built for speed or built for comfort?" And I can't figure out what "built for speed" is referring to."
Jake: "Small so they bounce more, as opposed to large and pillow-like?"
Don: "But wouldn't big boobs bounce a lot, too?"
Jake: "Well, yeah, but it's mass times velocity, so the increased mass would decrease the bounce velocity."
Don: "...That was the best boob explaination I've ever heard."
Jake: "I am an amazing human being."
"Codes and Procedures."
Lindsey: (on the intercom) "Code seven to Digital Imaging, please. Code seven to D.I."
Peter: "There you go, Donovan. Get to D.I. for that code seven."
Don: "I'll give her a code seven and a half..."
Lindsey: (on the intercom) "Code seven to Digital Imaging, please. Code seven to D.I."
Peter: "There you go, Donovan. Get to D.I. for that code seven."
Don: "I'll give her a code seven and a half..."
Don's House of Love presents: "The True Meaning of Friendship."
Brian: "I feel like doing something crazy."
Don: "I'll get the camera."
Brian: "That's what friends are for."
Brian: "I feel like doing something crazy."
Don: "I'll get the camera."
Brian: "That's what friends are for."
"The Best Conversation Ever."
Brian: "So how is Gainesville?"
Don: "Same as always. Giant cow pasture in the center of Florida."
Brian: "There are some steers, though."
Don: "...A steer is a boy cow, Brian."
Brian: "There are a couple of...girl cows."
Don: "Udders, Brian. Just say udders."
Brian: "Yeah, let's go with that."
Brian: "So how is Gainesville?"
Don: "Same as always. Giant cow pasture in the center of Florida."
Brian: "There are some steers, though."
Don: "...A steer is a boy cow, Brian."
Brian: "There are a couple of...girl cows."
Don: "Udders, Brian. Just say udders."
Brian: "Yeah, let's go with that."
"Slip of the Tongue."
Don & Ben: (striding to the front lanes)
Kristi: "Donovan! I finally decided what I'm going to give you!"
Ben: "Woah!"
Don: (glancing about) "Would you excuse me, gentlemen?"
Matt & David: (backing away slowly)
Don: "Now, you were saying?"
Kristi: (red) "That's not what I meant!!"
Don & Ben: (striding to the front lanes)
Kristi: "Donovan! I finally decided what I'm going to give you!"
Ben: "Woah!"
Don: (glancing about) "Would you excuse me, gentlemen?"
Matt & David: (backing away slowly)
Don: "Now, you were saying?"
Kristi: (red) "That's not what I meant!!"
Don's House of Love presents: "TV-14."
Taylor: "I'm watching Sex and the City. It's edited though since it's on TBS."
Don: "So basically you're watching "...and the City.""
Taylor: "Exactly."
Taylor: "I'm watching Sex and the City. It's edited though since it's on TBS."
Don: "So basically you're watching "...and the City.""
Taylor: "Exactly."
Don's House of Love presents: "Don's 11."
Editor's note: In case you don't know who Casey Affleck is: check the imdb.
Casey Affleck: "What about this four gig memory? Is that enough?"
Don: "You think we need one more?"
Casey Affleck: (stare)
Don: "...You think we need one more."
Casey Affleck: "..."
Don: "...Alright, we'll get one more."
Editor's note: In case you don't know who Casey Affleck is: check the imdb.
Casey Affleck: "What about this four gig memory? Is that enough?"
Don: "You think we need one more?"
Casey Affleck: (stare)
Don: "...You think we need one more."
Casey Affleck: "..."
Don: "...Alright, we'll get one more."
"Clearly."
Katie: (smiling at a baby) "Ooh, Donovan, come look at this! Hi! Hi there! He's so sweet!"
Don: (staring at her, dryly) "Clearly he doesn't know any better."
Katie: (smiling at a baby) "Ooh, Donovan, come look at this! Hi! Hi there! He's so sweet!"
Don: (staring at her, dryly) "Clearly he doesn't know any better."
"Cherry Poppin'."
Michelle: (sweetly offering her lunch bag) "Would you like a cherry?"
Don: (eyeing her) "I better not. Last time I had an offer like that, it didn't turn out so well."
Michelle: (chokes)
Michelle: (sweetly offering her lunch bag) "Would you like a cherry?"
Don: (eyeing her) "I better not. Last time I had an offer like that, it didn't turn out so well."
Michelle: (chokes)
"Time Management."
Steve: "Donovan, can you think of anyone we can send home early?"
Don: (... clocks out)
Steve: "Donovan, can you think of anyone we can send home early?"
Don: (... clocks out)
"Lesson in Linguistics."
Jake: "Fuck me."
Don: (flying monkey hump)
Jake: "I think I misused the language somewhere. I meant more like 'fuck, I am filled with hatred.'"
Don: "Oh. Well fuck me, that's different."
Jake: "See, there we go."
Jake: "Fuck me."
Don: (flying monkey hump)
Jake: "I think I misused the language somewhere. I meant more like 'fuck, I am filled with hatred.'"
Don: "Oh. Well fuck me, that's different."
Jake: "See, there we go."
"Military Tactics."
>
Chris: (playing Mercenaries, running toward a flaming hulk of metal, explosions abound) "If I can just make it to whatever the hell that is...!"
Don: "That's the horse you rode in on."
>
Chris: (playing Mercenaries, running toward a flaming hulk of metal, explosions abound) "If I can just make it to whatever the hell that is...!"
Don: "That's the horse you rode in on."
December 10, 2005
"Hibernation Tactics."
Don: "Dude, I played in the snow!"
Tyler: "What, outside?"
Don: "Yes, outside!"
Tyler: "You're a braver man than me. I would've just sat in my room, huddled and masturbating feverishly for warmth."
Don: "Dude, I played in the snow!"
Tyler: "What, outside?"
Don: "Yes, outside!"
Tyler: "You're a braver man than me. I would've just sat in my room, huddled and masturbating feverishly for warmth."
"EST?"
Don: (on the phone) "Yeah, just sitting in the airport in D.C."
Lindsey: "Really? What time is it there?"
Don: "... Linz, it's on the same fucking coast as Florida. It's the same-"
Lindsey: "Shut up."
Don: "Are you serious?"
Lindsey: "We're not gonna talk about that again."
the following day at work...
Lindsey: (saucy) "Go back to your department!" (pointing)
Don: (glance at his cellphone clock) "Hey Linz, can you tell me what time it is in D.C. right now?"
Don: (on the phone) "Yeah, just sitting in the airport in D.C."
Lindsey: "Really? What time is it there?"
Don: "... Linz, it's on the same fucking coast as Florida. It's the same-"
Lindsey: "Shut up."
Don: "Are you serious?"
Lindsey: "We're not gonna talk about that again."
the following day at work...
Lindsey: (saucy) "Go back to your department!" (pointing)
Don: (glance at his cellphone clock) "Hey Linz, can you tell me what time it is in D.C. right now?"
"Long Distance Relarguments."
Brandi: "I swear to god, I'll kill you."
Don: "Oh yeah? Well you'd have to come home for that!"
Brandi: "I'll just send my team."
Don: "Psh. Haven't you learned anything by now? I'll just kill your team. If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself."
Brandi: "Yeah, but then you might kill me, too. And I don't want that, so you're getting my team."
Don: "That's just gonna annoy me that you didn't have the balls to come after me, yourself. And then I'll hunt you down."
Brandi: "I have balls!"
Don: "...Yeah, can I have those back, by the way?"
Brandi: "I swear to god, I'll kill you."
Don: "Oh yeah? Well you'd have to come home for that!"
Brandi: "I'll just send my team."
Don: "Psh. Haven't you learned anything by now? I'll just kill your team. If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself."
Brandi: "Yeah, but then you might kill me, too. And I don't want that, so you're getting my team."
Don: "That's just gonna annoy me that you didn't have the balls to come after me, yourself. And then I'll hunt you down."
Brandi: "I have balls!"
Don: "...Yeah, can I have those back, by the way?"
December 2, 2005
"Everybody Wang Chung Tonight"
Rebecca: "I'm the person parents dread their kids getting to. It's like someone putting weed in front my face and not being able to withstand doing it."
Don: "So you won't be able to withstand whatever I put in your face, huh?"
Rebecca: "...I so set myself up for that."
Don: "Oh yeah."
Rebecca: "I'm the person parents dread their kids getting to. It's like someone putting weed in front my face and not being able to withstand doing it."
Don: "So you won't be able to withstand whatever I put in your face, huh?"
Rebecca: "...I so set myself up for that."
Don: "Oh yeah."
"And Guest Starring the Guy in Line"
Taylor: (turns to the guy in line) "Hey, do you have a dollar she can borrow? She'll show you her boobs! She has really big boobs!"
Guy in Line: "Yeah, so does my girlfriend."
Don: (chokes)
Chris: "I just want you to know, you just made my profile for the night."
Taylor: (turns to the guy in line) "Hey, do you have a dollar she can borrow? She'll show you her boobs! She has really big boobs!"
Guy in Line: "Yeah, so does my girlfriend."
Don: (chokes)
Chris: "I just want you to know, you just made my profile for the night."
November 30, 2005
"I've Got a Pickup Truck and a Doobie that Says You're Mine"
Don: (watching Chris and Kelsey in the appliance department, picks up phone, dials)
Chris: (answers) "Appliances, this is Chris."
Don: "So, when you're standing that close to her, does it grow to its full five inches?"
Chris: "Nice." (slams the phone down)
Don: (watching Chris and Kelsey in the appliance department, picks up phone, dials)
Chris: (answers) "Appliances, this is Chris."
Don: "So, when you're standing that close to her, does it grow to its full five inches?"
Chris: "Nice." (slams the phone down)
"The Recurring Role of Ben"
Don: (staring at Ben's plate) "Did you get a six inch?"
Ben: "No way! I got a twelve. I'm just really good at eating."
Don: "Man, the last time I saw someone put away twelve inches that fast was... hey, Ben, what're you doing later?"
Ben: "Damn it, I walked right into it again!"
Don: (staring at Ben's plate) "Did you get a six inch?"
Ben: "No way! I got a twelve. I'm just really good at eating."
Don: "Man, the last time I saw someone put away twelve inches that fast was... hey, Ben, what're you doing later?"
Ben: "Damn it, I walked right into it again!"
"Everyone has a Budget"
Ben: "So, we doin' lunch?"
Don: "Yeah, we can do like Subway or something -- it's cheap.I only have about thirty bucks, so I don't have a very big eat out budget..."
Jen: (rounds corner) "You don't have a what?"
Don: "An eat out budget."
Jen: (wide eyes)
Don: "Hey Jen, you wanna be part of my budget?"
Ben: "So, we doin' lunch?"
Don: "Yeah, we can do like Subway or something -- it's cheap.I only have about thirty bucks, so I don't have a very big eat out budget..."
Jen: (rounds corner) "You don't have a what?"
Don: "An eat out budget."
Jen: (wide eyes)
Don: "Hey Jen, you wanna be part of my budget?"
"Variables of Bad Timing"
Chris: "See, the problem with my graders is, they don't want to look through my entire solution to see if I've crossed all my t's. So factors of 2, pi, i, e-"
Don: "Except after C."
Chris: "...cut you."
Chris: "See, the problem with my graders is, they don't want to look through my entire solution to see if I've crossed all my t's. So factors of 2, pi, i, e-"
Don: "Except after C."
Chris: "...cut you."
November 27, 2005
Darnell: "Say something in Russian!"
Don: (sighs, throws out a standard line)
Cathy: walking past) "Stop trying to look cool."
Don: (glance) "Hey, say hi to your mom for me."
Jen: (eyes widen)
November 26, 2005
"Business Practices"
Jen:"(yap yap yap)"
Don: "Jesus, I bet she wouldn't be acting like this if she were naked."
Tyler: "I bet she wouldn't!"
Jen:"(yap yap yap)"
Don: "Jesus, I bet she wouldn't be acting like this if she were naked."
Tyler: "I bet she wouldn't!"
November 22, 2005
"Color Coded Fuck You."
Don: (walks in, ready to head out to the bar)
Chris: (pause on the phone) "Okay, I gotta go. The guy in the lime green shirt is here."
Don: "Dude, fuck you."
Chris: "Just one second, fruit loop."
Don: "Fuck you." (walking out the door)
Chris: (following, speaks back into the phone) "He's wearing a lime green shirt, that's why."
Don: (sighing) "Okay. I just want everyone to know...that I suck."
Chris: "And?"
Don: "And I'm a girl..."
Chris: "What else?"
Don: "And I like ribbons in my hair... And I want to kiss all the boys."
Chris: "Alright, good talk, let's go get drunk."
Don: (walks in, ready to head out to the bar)
Chris: (pause on the phone) "Okay, I gotta go. The guy in the lime green shirt is here."
Don: "Dude, fuck you."
Chris: "Just one second, fruit loop."
Don: "Fuck you." (walking out the door)
Chris: (following, speaks back into the phone) "He's wearing a lime green shirt, that's why."
Don: (sighing) "Okay. I just want everyone to know...that I suck."
Chris: "And?"
Don: "And I'm a girl..."
Chris: "What else?"
Don: "And I like ribbons in my hair... And I want to kiss all the boys."
Chris: "Alright, good talk, let's go get drunk."