Congratulations undergrads! Consider yourself privileged to be an undergrad in physics during this past week. In case you haven't noticed, this past week has been witness to some of the most exciting and bizarre events in physics. UP staffers collected a few events and compiled them for you below. But beware; do not stop reading this article in the middle. Continue to the end to understand the full significance of this series of events. It is essential that you continue to the end!

Bizarre event number one: Thermodynamics has taken a new turn. A paper published on April 1st 2006 conclusively proved that the entropy of the universe is actually decreasing. The paper goes on to predict that by year 3541 all life forms will have crystalline structure and all process efficiencies will be at 98% or higher.

Additional discoveries in physics were made. The magnetic monopole was discovered here at UF by professor Ima Pharse. While the discovery has astounded scientists, none can deny the characteristic magnetic field lines observed when the bar magnetic monopole is placed in iron filings.

The best and most astounding discovery thus far: NPB Janitor Unifies Physics! Read below:

In what has been hailed as one of the greatest accomplishments of humankind, a quantum theory of gravity has finally been achieved. The consensus is developing amongst theoretical physicists and mathematicians that quantum mechanics has finally been unified with Einstein's theory of general relativity. The paper describing this momentous feat, titled "On the Multidimensional Structure of Space and Time," was recently put up on the Arxiv.org pre-print database. It has drawn extremely close scrutiny from all of the world's most prominent scientists. The highly mathematical nature of the paper, obviously, is extremely complicated and even many renowned physicists are said to be still trying to understand it. It is rumored to touch on far-ranging aspects of mathematics, from the Poincare Conjecture (thought to be recently proved by Grigori Perelman) to Godel's Incompleteness Theorem to the Riemann Hypothesis. Clearly, this paper will have a profound effect on the way we think about ourselves and the universe. Long-standing unanswered questions in physics such as quantum chaos, dark energy, dark matter, and the origin of the universe have said to be resolved in this incredible paper. History is in the making, and science as a whole has just entered a new era.

Furthermore, the author is not one who has been recognized as any leader in physics or mathematics, or for that matter in any field in the past. He is a custodian in the physics building at the University of Florida. Physics faculty members are coming to terms with the fact that he may be what many dubbed as the "Phantom of the New Physics Building." For years, the chalkboards in the physics building at UF had been scrawled with incredibly complex chains of equations. Some professors immediately recognized these equations as dealing with superstring theory, but most of the equations were entirely foreign to them. Many research problems that UF physics professors were working on would mysterious appear solved on the chalkboards in various classrooms of the physics building. Nobody knew who was doing this, and they dubbed him the "Phantom of the New Physics Building." Keep up to date on the Phantom and Unification by reading UP News.

In other discoveries, the origins of the foul smell occasionally observed at the NPB were recently located. While the smell was always reasonably assumed to be due to our neighboring water improvement facility, the truth is a little different. On April 1st, body parts were found near the Physics Building's entrance. They were mostly bone remains with a serrated knife scratch on the victim's left femur. The body parts were discovered by a student, who then informed officials. "The smell was awful! It smelled like a sewer." Police used gas masks and flashlights while sifting through the underbrush at night. Authorities speculate that the body is of a graduate student who worked him or her self to death (and the serrated knife mark is considered to be evidence of masochism). Officials declined to comment on the student's identity, but did say that this student had too many papers to grade as judged from the remains.

In perkier news, a new species of blind physics graduate student has been discovered living in dark, until recently unexplored regions of the NPB basement. Although star tling in appearance, they are harmless and respond gratefully to offers of free pizza.

By an uncanny coincidence all events reported above whose dates were not reported, also occurred on April 1st, April Fool's Day. On this occasion, UP News would like to wish you a very Happy April Fools!